“Colts must not only love men, but even long for them.” Xenophon
When I learned French in public school we had a text book with the title, “Regarde,” which the teacher explained means, “look,” or “watch.” The English word “regard” comes from Middle English, handed down from Old French “regarder,” which means to watch, or to guard. What I want to explore in this article is the way in which we, as horsepeople, regard our horses, and how they regard us.
I have seen many people with horses over the years who are trying to achieve something with their horse, but they are struggling with success. They can't get something done physically with their horse, but all the while they consistently ignore what their horse so badly needs: connection and connectivity. What they fail to notice first, and what they fail to cultivate over time is regard.
Here is what is sometimes looks like: a horse has it's head high in the air, looking off into the distance, not really acknowledging that a person is standing in front of them. Or it can look like this, a horse is connected to a person via a lead rope, but the horse is running into the person, shoving on them and causing the person to move their feet. In the second scenario, the horse is often described as lacking in respect, which it may be. But in both of these scenarios, what the horse is lacking first is regard.
One of the things I ask my students to be aware of is, “does my horse see me?” Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no, and sometimes the answer is I have no idea. So what does it look like when our horse does see us? It starts with us. We need to see our horses first.
“Of course I see my horse," someone will say, “he's standing right in front of me. He is brown and has a star on his forehead. I'm looking right at him, of course I see him.” But do they really see him as in see the way he feels, and what is important to him and then based on that, give him what he needs?
What do our horses need? How do we really see our horses? First of all we must acknowledge that they are a prey species, not a predatory one, therefore right off the bat their needs are slightly different than ours. But many of their needs are also the same. They need first and foremost to feel safe. If a horse does not feel safe around us, some trust is missing and we must go about proving to them that we are safe to be around. Many horses look at their personal predator and think, “hmmm, I'm not sure I trust you. It is then up to us to prove ourselves trustworthy. (an entirely new article!)
It is pretty easy to see if a horse is physically needing something, but it can be more challenging to see when they need something emotionally from us. Horses are excellent at hiding their emotion simply because they are prey animals. Calling attention to yourself in the wild when you are in distress can mean the end of your life. The same is true of our domestic partners, by virtue of being so closely connected to their DNA and their ancestral response to pressure.
When in doubt as to whether or not your horse needs something from you emotionally or mentally, always err on the side of assuming they do. Because if they don't need it and you give it to them it can't hurt, but if they do need it and you ignore it, it can get worse.
Let's take an example from the human world. You find your partner or you best friend sitting on a bale of hay crying. You see them there with the head in the hands, but instead of stopping to ask them what is going on, you continue on to the barn to do your chores. Did you show them any regard? Did you look at them and wonder what it is they need, or did you just ignore it and go about your business?
Here is a horse example: You go into the field to catch your horse and they look up at you skeptically. You pay no mind and barge up to them, and then they take off running. Could you have approached things a little differently? Could you have had some regard for them and their feelings and how they see the world which could have changed the outcome? Perhaps. Most often though the horse is blamed and called names and labeled as difficult. We rarely seem to ask ourselves what we could have done to improve the situation, and instead place the blame on the horse.
Sometimes all that is needed in any given horse human relationship is a gentle check in. Like how are you doing today. One of the best ways I know how to do this is by doing what is often called the “horseman's handshake.” This involves holding the back of your hand out to your horse (mirroring the nose of another horse,) and seeing what the horse does in return. Some horses will immediately place their nose on your hand, in effect saying “hello,” or “how do you do.” Others will not touch your hand at all, either because they have learned not to, or because they are unconfident or so consumed with looking elsewhere that they don't see you, or lack regard.
When I offer my hand to a horse who acknowledges me I let them investigate my hand as long as they feel they need to. And here is the key, not as long as I feel they need to, but as long as they feel they need to. How long is that? It's up to them. It is the human equivalent of shaking hands. We have all had the experience of shaking someone's hand and they take their hand away before we are ready. It feels slightly odd. Same thing when a person “shakes hands” with a horse. Allowing them the time to determine when they are done feeling us goes along way toward creating regard.
But what about the horse who “refuses” to shake hands with us? Many people immediately ignore this and go directly to petting the horse on the face. In the human world this would be like you refusing to shake my hand but I go ahead and put my arm around you when clearly this is not what you wanted nor enjoy. So why do we feel like it is OK to do this with our horses? I think it is because we feel entitled to touch them without their permission. Doing this in the human world is a definite no-no, but people do it all the time with horses.
t If I ever take someone's horse in a clinic or a demo, I always offer them my hand first, as a way of “introducing myself.” I take note immediately as to whether or not the horse is interested in meeting me so to speak. Most of the time they are, and if so, there is a good deal of information transferred in our introduction. Horses have extremely sensitive whiskers called vibrissae. These are tactile hairs, sensory organs, which detect and determine much about their surroundings. For example, you have had an incredibly stressful day at the office. You offer your hand to your horse when you get to the barn and instead of the horse reasoning that you have had an argument with your boss, she senses tension in your hand and uncertainty. There is no doubt she feels something isn't right. But what to do instead? What I do prior to offering my hand to a horse, I take some centering breaths and do my best to convey down my arm to the back of my hand calmness and delight in meeting them. If this sounds a little crazy to you, I suggest you try it the next time you meet your horse for the day and see what ensues. Yet another way of checking in with our horses can be done through simple human touch. Rubbing them and not patting them roughly is a good place to start. Horses can tolerate hard patting, but tolerating something is a long way from enjoying it. I advise people to pet their horses the way their mother “pet” them with her tongue when they were young: long firm strokes. Horses appreciate this kind of touch far more than they do what I call the jumpers slap. I know I will get some slack from the jumping community because of that statement, but I think we have all seen top level jumpers who slap their horses on the neck after a clean round of jumping. It always makes me cringe for the horse. If you are unsure why it feels so bad, ask a good friend to rub your back or slap your back as hard as they can and then tell me which you one enjoy the most.
There are many ways to increase your horses regard for you, some of which I have listed above. But there are also many ways to cause them to disregard you as well. But horses are skeptical by nature, so creating a bond and an awareness between us and them falls more on us than it does on them. We need to show our horses that we care for them before we can expect the same in return – to whatever degree horses are able to do so.
Everything we do with our horses should be done with some regard, and just like all things in the world, we should strive to create balance. The true key is knowing how to maintain a balance of movement and bonding that causes the horse to want to be with us. Too much movement and not enough bonding can create distance and disconnection. Too much bonding and not enough movement can cause what most people would say looks like disrespect. If I get the balance just right I may just end up with a stronger bond than that which emanates out of respect, and that is regard.Once my horse understands that I am a decent leader, and that I care, I will have earned his regard. Striving for this balance is what will ultimately make us all good horse people.
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